TW: warning, if you think you might be upset by the topic of chosen non-parenthood (especially for those who cannot have children but would like to), you might want to skip this article ❤️
Well, big topic here!
To start, can we let people be at peace with their decisions to become or not become mothers and fathers? 😑 I am very "lucky" not to face social pressure on this issue, but I know this is not the case for everyone.
For context: I am a 26-year-old woman, in a heterosexual relationship for 6 years with a wonderful 31-year-old man. We are now reaching a "normal" time, according to good old society, to want a child. I have nothing against children, I don't find them cuter than average, to me they are just people: with some, I feel comfortable, and with others, I don't. I find the subject of parenthood FASCINATING! I love reading about education, learning about pregnancy and childbirth, without any aversion.
Unconsciously, I think I was waiting to reach a certain age to talk about it, to appear more credible, I suppose… But here it is, I don't want children.
The reflection was made as a couple with my boyfriend. Initially, we were rather "against" it without having a definite opinion. And our real desire to remain childless was forged over time, with much discussion and introspection.
We did consider adoption in the past, however, but this option no longer interests us at all for reason 1 that I will explain below and also because we have been sensitized to the problems that adoption poses, particularly the colonialist mechanisms of international adoption, but that's another topic ;)
I see three main reasons why I do not want children:
- Daily life:
Even though the education aspect interests me, let's not lie to ourselves, that's not all there is to being a parent's daily life. It also involves mental load, sometimes schedules, extra domestic work… and it's normal, it's a dependent human being who relies on us after all! And that part does not interest me at all. That daily life does not appeal to me. I would even say that I don't see the point in changing my life that much. I love my life, my freedom… it's as simple as that :)
- The rest of the world:
I also think that the world is not good enough for my child. Without specifically talking about ecology, we live in a very complicated world ;) Everywhere in the world, people suffer from all forms of oppression, lack vital resources, and are stigmatized… Even if my privileged child may not have to confront all this directly, well, it's a world in which it's hard to be happy, and ignore its dysfunctions.
- Lack of consent:
This is where I think I might lose you ;) Haha… I admit this reason is much more personal, it's MY feeling, and I don't expect everyone to understand.
We never asked to be born. And personally, I don't think life is a gift or a miracle that we should necessarily rejoice in. It depends on the circumstances… A being, before being conceived, cannot by definition give consent to be born. And I know that life can be tough. Even in a happy life, there is a share of suffering; we will all experience grief, for example. And it's also possible to be completely unfit for our society, never find our place, never be happy or simply well. I cannot know in advance if my child will love life. And I don't want to decide to bring someone into the world who will experience great suffering. I don't find that life is always "worth it" for everyone.
In fact, I have no argument justifying that a being has more interest in existing than not.
Well, after all this, I want to reassure you: I'm fine ;) haha! I know my words may sound dark. But I'm not like that at all. In my head, these thoughts are purely rational, almost mathematical. I don't want to live a parent's daily life + I don't think the world is good enough + the person brought into the world might suffer = I won't have children. That's all :)
I've already talked about it a little bit, but I wanted to provide my complete testimony on this matter. In fact, a few years ago, I read a lot about non-parenthood and also listened to many podcasts on it. But I have never heard a testimony that really spoke to me!
So I think that I am not the only one and that my reasons will resonate with other people who are also looking to develop their opinion on the subject!
Thank you for reading my thoughts on this very personal topic.
For more testimonies and reflection on the subject, I recommend the Instagram account @jeneveuxpasdenfant ❤️